Stop Gossiping and Start Talking

Mono on Poly is a place where guest authors have an opportunity to discuss topics, ideas, or what they see as issues with polyamory from a monogamous point of view.  We hope that these articles might help others foster discussions about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.  Many of these authors have had some experience with polyamory - either personally or through their circle of friends - and can provide a slightly different perspective.

GossipingAmericans are gossips.  We have gossip magazines, gossip television shows, and even gossip websites.  We are a nation that loves to talk about people behind their backs, often judging them.  While we’ve all been told many a time “don’t judge a man ‘til you’ve walked a mile in his shoes,” “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones,” “judge not lest ye be judged,” “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and many other phrases amounting to minding our own business and keeping our mouths shut, almost every one of us has talked about someone behind their back in a judgmental way.  

This is especially true when it comes to sex, sexuality, and sexual behaviors.  From our early school days of did he or didn’t she… (hold hands, kiss, fuck, etc.), we can’t keep ourselves from blabbing about what other people are up to when it comes to their sexual lives.  I think this comes out of a curiosity about what’s normal, what’s right, and trying to figure out how we measure up.  By talking about others and their sexual choices, we are trying to figure out if we are normal, are the things that we want to do and the things that turn us on normal?  

Part of this comes from our attitude towards sex as a nation and the downright taboo nature of the topic for many.  Unless and until we are comfortable in our own sexuality it is difficult to have conversations about what we like, what turns us on, what we’re okay with, etc.  Until we do have these conversations, we find it easier to have conversations about others, and judge them for their sexual choices.  

When you start having those conversations, you realize that there is no normal.  Just like some people are ticklish and laugh when they’re tickled, while others are ticklish and get pissed off when they’re tickled, some people are only ticklish in that one special spot, and others are not ticklish at all, so goes it with sex, sexuality, and sexual choices.  There is no normal.  

Some people like giving head, some people like receiving it, and for some people they cannot even fathom giving, receiving or being involved in any situation where head might be involved.  Some people like guys, some like gals, some like both, some like neither.  Some want to be free and open to explore their sexual side while maintaining a romantic relationship with one partner.  The permutations of partnership choices are endless.  What is key and uniform about any and all of these relationships succeeding is communication.  

talkingWhen we stop talking about other people, and start talking about what we want and like, what we need to be happy and successful in our relationships, sexual and other, then we can start having the healthy, fulfilled relationships we want.  Having those conversations isn’t easy, but it is imperative to being fulfilled sexually and emotionally in our romantic entanglements and relations.  I think that if we would all stop talking about what other people are doing behind their bedroom doors and start talking to the people that we are taking behind our bedroom doors, we would all be a lot happier and healthier.  

T is a single straight, cis-female who prefers monogamous relationships with straight males. She has never attempted conscious uncoupling, but does really like both yoga and yogurt, as well as long walks on the beach. She is also an experienced educator with a passion for making the world a better place.

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